Is this challenging behavior just a teenager thing?

As an adoptive parent, through the teen years I often bumped into the question “Is this challenging behavior just a ‘teenager thing’, or is it related to an adoption issue or struggle in some way?” Have you ever asked that question?

For me, the inward conversation would continue and sound something like this. “If it isn’t adoption related, how can I be certain of that?” and, “If it is, how do we parent through it best and with the proper mix of what’s acceptable and careful sensitivity?” The relational risk for loss or gain seemed often weighty.

I recall some of our favorite family times being on a disc golf course encouraging our sports enthusiast son. So, when our pre-teen athlete began consistently verbally belittling himself and seemed unable to recover his emotional game following a bad shot, our parenting stakes got higher.

One memory includes a long wait in the hot Traverse City sun, at a local course where my son and his Father sat until my daughter and I returned from shopping, hours later, to pick them up. Early in the round, perfectionism had again gotten the better of him, and my son failed to respond to his Dad’s urging and later ultimatum to shake off the attitude or forfeit the opportunity to play. That wasn’t the first or last time high stakes parenting cost us time, emotional stamina and shared activity.  My now young adult son has since mastered the highs and lows of game play and carries with him a calm and steady confidence that consistently encourages those around him. I’m thankful and so admire that strength in him now.  But was that early on intensity and self-compete just a ‘pre-teen thing’, or was it driven by a deeper need to prove, produce and perform?

The truth is I don’t know.

I suspect the pressures, hormones, and independence linked to the first were at play, right alongside the fear, loss and identity wrestles that are weaved into every adoption story. You may be navigating something difficult right now too and you may be fighting hard to parent through unanswered questions. I hope you’ll be encouraged by some of what I’m learning.

Prayer is the only true confidence of parenting wisdom.

Pray and listen often.

• God will reveal what I need to know to move forward. Confess concerns and wonders with someone I trust and who will help me chase away fear and worry. Pray the Psalms and insert the names of my children into its promises and praises. Commitment to the Word helps me trust what I cannot see and develop a habit of patience and grace for missteps. Both have a profound and positive effect on teenagers.
  

• Check the measure. Make my measure of parenting success less behavioral, which is often about me. Instead, make sure they see in me the love of the Father and the strength of friendship they can have with Jesus. We are learning His words and way together. I don’t want to parent for just the appearance of good and acceptable, but rather I contend to see authentic maturity in my children. I can do hard things to get there.
  

• Trust the process. Waiting for healthy shifts can be exhausting. Manage my time and my community circle well. Big family moments or seasons can limit my capacity and those who love me will understand. It’s ok to say no. Adding regularly to a ‘Thousand Blessings’ list feels like strength and happy, and it helps me celebrate the now. God is at work in every moment and He will provide the physical rest I need and the soft, genuine, creative and timely questions my kids need from me as we journey together.
  

• Be a life-long learner. Adoption is a life altering and a life-long experience. Beautiful and difficult pieces of every story unfold differently and at different times for everyone, and for a lifetime. Seek to understand by reading good things about and praying forward each developmental age, stage and milestone. There is joy and wisdom in understanding.

“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore”. Psalm 16:11

AmyJo Pleune

Director of Life Discipleship